with your own penis?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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