i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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