The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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