so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
