How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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