so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize