turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
