If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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