I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
