I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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