made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
