Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She bit a glass in half.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
