Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
