I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize