I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
