foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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