so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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