i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
