if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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