i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
