Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
