I'm pants shitting drunk right now
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
