Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
