I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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