First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
