What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
