I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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