she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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