my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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