who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
