Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
