My hand turned me down
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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