Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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