I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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