Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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