Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
