I'm sorry my penis didn't work
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
