I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
