piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
