just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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