I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
