ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
