the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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