meet me or not, i'm out of control
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
