Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
