$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
