I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
