Where are you?
In a non slutty way
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize