Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
