I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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