Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
