I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
