Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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