Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
