and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
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