WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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