My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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