I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
be right there i have to get my cape
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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