I'm laying in your front yard are you home
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
