she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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