Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
