so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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