if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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